Things that make me go . . . . WTF???

Sometimes I feel like I must have seen every strange sexual thing under the sun. You would think I would be used to it by now. But, some things guys do still mystify me. For the life of me, I cannot imagine why any man would do the following things:

1. The blow job. I don't mean a real blow job, I mean that weird thing some guys do when they actually blow on me. Why? Do they think I am overheated and want to cool me off? Do they see some dust on me that they want to get rid of? I had one gentleman spend the entire dance blowing up my nose. No matter how I moved or bent to get out of his way, he matched my every move to continue blowing into my nostrils. When I asked him to stop, he paused for about 30 seconds, then resumed blowing.

2. The lizard tongue. This is when the gentleman darts his tongue in and out of his mouth in a lizard-like motion, while looking soulfully into my eyes. The tongue always looks pointy and hard, like a turtle's. I think this is supposed to make me think of the joys of cunnilingus? It really makes me think of reptiles, which are not sexy!

3. The wet Willy. Nibbling on an earlobe is one thing. Trying to lick my brain is something else entirely! 'Nuff said.

4. Massaging my internal organs. I had this happen just the other night. I turned to face away from my gentleman. He grabbed my abdomen between my belly button and the top of my pubic bone, and started kneading away on me like he was trying to make bread. My lower intestine works just fine, thank you!

A related move is when they jab their thumbs into my femoral arteries and squeeze. (The thick red artery in the picture to the right is the femoral. ) This hurts like hell.

5. Attempting to palpate my spine through my belly button. I am not a belly button person. And although I understand the sexual appeal for some people, I don't care for the sensation of having mine touched. It's even more of a mystery why a man would forcefully jam his finger or thumb into my navel and shove as hard as he can. Does he think that is a second vagina or something? What does he expect to find in there, except lint? There are no special nerve centers in there, and you can't reach my g-spot that way. Like the artery jabbing, it hurts.

6. Pulling on my clothes. There are two options here. One, he is pulling on my top, and it is a topless joint. The top is coming off in a minute anyway, so why pull on it? Or two, he is pulling on my top, and it is not a topless joint, in which case I can't take the top off at all, so why pull on it?

7. Pulling on my butt-cheeks. People like to grab one cheek in each hand and pull, like they are splitting a coconut. What are they looking for, loose change?

8. Giving me a wedgie. Aren't we all out of junior high by now?

9. The spring-loaded hand. He grabs for my crotch. I intercept him and push his hand away. He grabs again. I push him away . . . again. He grabs again. I push him away forcefully and give him a dirty look. He grabs again. I push him away and say, "NO!" He grabs yet again. I push him away, say "NO!" and slap his hand. He looks hurt and says, "What did I do?"

10. The newest annoying, bizarre mystery behavior to date: shoving their hands down the back of my nylons. Just like trying to split my butt-cheeks like a peach, what would make somebody want to do that? What do they think they are going to find down there? Would they really want it if they did find it? Do I really want to know?

Really, anybody who subscribes to the women-are-complicated-guys-are-easy-to-understand theory, needs to walk around in my 6-inch heels for a while. With some people, nothing they do seems to make any sense; and with many people, some things they do make no sense; and may the gods help anyone who tries to understand it.